A friend on a parenting forum I am on put together a list of parenting tips for toddlers (after reading a lot of books/research). I think they are wonderful and wanted to share with you all. Thanks Dionna!
P.S. I wanted to say that these are all amazing things to remember when raising a toddler but some really challenge our thinking about what is "good parenting". Items such as #2 & #10 (overdoing praise and really putting yourself at your child's level) are especially. I struggle daily with being successful in all of these points but they help me to stop, think, and reconsider my gut reactions. Enjoy!
1. Keep your eye on long-term goals.Toddler “behaviors” will fade; what will remain is how your child feels about himself and his relationship with you, which is based on how you react to those “behaviors.”
2. Take the child’s perspective. Sure it’s hard to be a parent, but it can be a lot harder to be a kid. We don’t mean to make children feel foolish or unsupported, but that’s just what happens when we trivialize their fears or tears by saying “shhh, you’re ok,” or “don’t be so upset,” etc.
3. Let your child make his own decisions. Our default position ought to be to let kids make decisions about matters that concern them except when there is a compelling reason for us to override that right. We should be prepared to justify why, in each case, kids shouldn’t be allowed to choose. The way kids learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by following directions.
4. Reconsider your requests. Perhaps when your child doesn’t do what you’re demanding, the problem isn’t with the child but with what it is you’re demanding.
5. Remember SALVE: (S) separate yourself and your emotions from your child’s behavior to be sure you’re TRULY about to respond to your child, and not as a result of some crap in your life/childhood. (If it helps, run through any angry words in your mind, then get rid of them before speaking gently to your child.) (A) give your kid full, honest attention; (L) fully listen, be present for your child; (V) validate your child’s feelings without adding your own (“I see you want ___,” “you were disappointed because ____”); (E) empower your child to solve the upset himself. Believe in him; don’t rush to “fix” him.
6. Don’t say “no” unnecessarily. “Yes” should be our default response, such that you need a good reason not to go along with what’s being proposed, or to step in and forbid something.
7. Change the way you see behavior. Try to see behavior as “teachable moments” rather than infractions that call for “consequences.” Don’t take behavior personally! A toddler isn’t trying to hurt or inconvenience you or “misbehave.”
8. Respect your child.We can’t always assume that because we’re more mature, we necessarily have more insight into our children than they have into themselves.
10. Stop saying “good job.”Break the habit of saying “good job/sharing!” or “you’re such a great helper!” or “I like the way you . . .” Instead, try “describing, rather than evaluating (“there’s something new on the people you drew, there are toes”); explaining the effects of the child’s action on other people (“you set the table, that makes things a lot easier on me while I’m cooking”); asking, rather than judging (why did you decide to give some of your brownie to Michael when you didn’t have to?”).
11. Give her undivided attention. Don’t just occupy the same space, interact. It’s easy to feel distracted by emails or bills, and it’s fine to multi-task sometimes, but make sure your child gets a good portion of your total attention so they know how very important they are to you. Give them affection without limit, without reservations, and without excuse. Pay as much attention to them as you can, regardless of mood or circumstance. Let them know you’re delighted to be with them, that you care about them no matter what happens. This basic posture is completely different from praise, which is doled out as a response to something a child does.
12. Talk less, ask more, and wait. Step back and let your child figure things out. Wait for him to ask you for help. He may not. He may figure it out alone or he may do something else entirely, and that’s o.k.
It's been a LONG time since I have done a parenting post (summer fun, ya know!) but when I read an article in "API Speaks" about night waking, I felt that this would be a great time to do one! I decided to skip one principle and come back to it later so that I could do the sleep post, so this post is about ensuring safe sleep both physically AND emotionally.
All parents would agree that it is important to make sure our children are physically safe. We do many things to ensure their safety such as put up baby gates, outlet covers, cook on the back burners, rearrange rooms, etc. Some parents also make sure that night time is equally as safe and learn about SIDS recommendations and not use crib bumpers, not use blankets, have baby sleep on their back, make sure baby is sleeping in temperature appropriate clothing, etc. Then there are some parents who go a step further and make sure their child also is EMOTIONALLY safe at night. This is where a lot of debate can happen about sleep training and cry-it-out methods. All parents do what they feel is best for their child, so in no way am I condemning what others have chosen to do, but with my commitment to attachment parenting, I do not believe in using sleep training or cry-it-out methods.
Some babies seem to be laid back, chilled out babies who can sleep anywhere and anytime. Others, such as my Eli, are more sensitive and need "help" from their parents (mommy in particular) to acquire sleep. By help I mean ensuring there is the optimum sleep environment (temperature, light, bedding, white noise, etc.), allowing to participate in sleep inducing activities (such as a nightly routine that includes nursing), and allowing sleep to occur when baby is showing sleep cues and not on the parents' schedule.
Of course, what this most often leads to is a baby and eventually a toddler who must nurse and/or participate in certain activities to sleep and they become very accustomed to sleeping when their body tells them they are sleepy. While this is great for baby, it can be hard on mommy. This often means being flexible with nap times, being around to nurse to sleep, and staying home at night time to allow for the routine of bedtime and nursing to sleep and upon night wakings. Oh yes, the night wakings. Many babies/toddlers who nurse to sleep often continue to wake through the night several times until they wean (not always, though) and many co-sleep to allow nursing to sleep. The above would describe Eli's sleeping to a tee!
As a mommy who practices many attachment parenting principles, I believe in attending to Eli at night. I am lucky, though, in that I have become very accustomed to co-sleeping and while I wake to nurse Eli several times a night, I am able to go back to sleep within 5-10 minutes. I also am VERY lucky that my hubby works 12-9pm so I am allowed to sleep in an extra 1-2 hours in the morning while Eli has his "daddy time". This has allowed me to not be a zombie and to feel good about meeting his night time needs. I know not all mommies are so lucky and many become desperate and take desperate measures to find sleep. I am on a sleep forum where many moms in this situation come to find support and to find advice on how to deal with their exhaustion. I try to counsel and give hope and advice about how they will not regret the decision to tend to their child's needs both day & night and that some day, they will look back and miss the time they had nursing and rocking their children to sleep.
API talks about the above topics along with discussing why they believe about solitary sleep: "It's important to note that infant solitary sleep is a relatively new practice that has evolved in the western world only within the last 100 years. Recently, there have been efforts by various medical and professional organizations to discourage parents from sleeping with their children for fear that it contributes to an increase in Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). However, new research demonstrates that co-sleeping, when practiced by informed parents, can be safe and beneficial. In fact, many cultures where parents routinely sleep with their children report some of the lowest SIDS rates. In some of these cultures SIDS is non-existent."
They also discuss the importance of night time routines to help children prepare for sleep. They suggest experimenting with a routine that works best for your family but to remain flexible as the routine will change as your child grows. I can say that this is very true for Eli and we have had to fluctuate our exact routine many times to help successfully reach sleep. They also suggest that even if a child is sleeping in their own bed, that before sleep snuggle and together time is very important.
I wanted to post the article I read that was written by a mom of a 20 month old son. I felt myself saying "uh-huh, yes, I agree" throughout the article (except the part where her son slept through the night at 1 year for a few months and then relapsed. Eli has slept 1 10 hour night ONCE). Enjoy!
My son doesn’t sleep well. He never has. He doesn’t sleep through the night, as per the textbooks, or sleep experts. He needs to nurse to fall asleep; he will co-sleep when he feels like it, but other night’s requests to be in his own bed, in his own space. He needs to have my shirt in his bed, snuggling up to it if he does sleep in his own bed. Some nights, he needs my husband or I to rub is back or stroke his hair before he finally gives into sleep. And, yes, he wakes up countless times during the night.
This is my life. This is my night time parenting life sans sleep training, sans the societal pressure to have him on a schedule, or allow him to cry it out.
I learned quickly as an attachment parent, that many think that my ideas about his ability to sleep on his own, with my guidance, on his own terms were not nearly as accepted as some of the books that you can find for sale at your local bookstore. I have had to be polite to friends and family as they roll their eyes, mock our belief that cry it out should never be a solution, no matter how sleep deprived you are. I’ve had to refuse advice from strangers, or well meaning relatives, who tell me what they heard a sleep expert for babies say on the latest talk show or even better, what worked for them, and their children turned out “fine”. I mean, at the end of the day, tired, or not, I know my child, and I know what I believe in.
This isn’t to say that there haven’t been those moments where I have cried desperately to my husband after spending four hours trying to get my son to bed, that there had to be SOMETHING we could do. It’s trying in so many human ways to be that patient, and know that tomorrow night, it may be the same. When my son was 10 months old, I bought The No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley. I wish I could say it helped, and that my son miraculously went from multiple wakeup’s to none. It didn’t happen and mainly because I couldn’t bring myself to believe that this was the only thing that would now work. I knew that even if it did work, another regression of some sort would come along, and I’d be back at the same place.
What it did give me was some information, and a ton of reassurance. I learned about sleeping patterns, and habits. I learned that even when I thought my reserves were drained dry, there was still some oomph left in them, and I could keep walking this tired path of exhaustion.
Then something happened. One my son’s first birthday, he gave ME the best Birth Day present ever. He slept through the night. I awoke at 5am, realizing that my son wasn’t in our bed (he’d come into the bed after his first wakeup at night) my breasts full, used to the constant feeding. I raced out of bed, into his bedroom, and he was out cold, pretty much in the same position I’d left 8 hours prior. He had slept through the night!
We had some good months of sleep, then another regression hit, and like I mentioned before, we were back to the same place we were so many months ago. Sleep issues are cyclical, and just as we think we’re in the free and clear, nature deters us, and we have yet another parenting hurtle to jump over.
A while ago, I posted on a parenting forum I frequent, and in my desperation, begged for some solve all cures (this desperation generally hits after Night Number 8 of No Sleep, and I start to feel a little crazy…) 40 posts later, all of them telling me I was silly for objecting to sleep training, and crying it out, some even kicking me when I’m down, telling me if I don’t cry it out, then it’s my own fault. But then, someone posted to tell me that I wasn’t alone. Her daughter was 24 months, and she had yet to sleep more than 3 nights, fully. She had also never let her cry it out, and her daughter was still nursing to sleep. Her words were simply not to tell me what to do, but rather to tell me, “Hold on, you are doing marvellously, and your child is blessed to have you. Keep it up Mama. You are doing just fine and I get it.”
In those moments, late at night, when all I can think about is what I have to do the next day, as my son, refuses to sleep, I remember those words. I remember how my son has never been left alone at night, to just cry, while I have a full nights rest. I look down at those same big brown eyes that gazed up me so many nights ago, and sigh contentedly, sleep heavy on my eyes, and try to doze off while he finishes nursing.
Coffee is my friend. Being able to cancel plans at a moment’s notice is my saving grace at times, (I’m lucky to have understanding and empathetic friends), having a husband who ushers me off for a nap when I look like a zombie. I still nap with Matteo when I need that extra boost of energy. These are the things that get me through. I have no regrets about my night time parenting. I know this is exhausting for me, but I know it’s the best for him, and I know there will come a day when I look back on these nights with sadness and wish that my son would cry for me in the night.
So here’s to all the Mama’s and Father’s who practice night time parenting, and have gotten it down to an art. Here’s to all the Mama’s and Fathers, who gently rock their children to sleep for the second, fourth, or tenth time that night. Here’s to all of us, and let’s remember, we are going to miss this.
The component of attachment parenting that drew me the most is the idea of parenting with empathy, compassion, respect, and love.I have never “liked” the type of parenting that suggests a child should be “seen and not heard” or that DEMANDS a child respect his elders.As a teacher, I had the same belief.I remember in interview after interview talking about how respect should be earned, not demanded.I felt that a teacher must build an environment in the classroom where a child feels safe and respected and only then will a teacher get respect in return.In my career as a social worker, I have carried this belief into my interactions with children, families, and other professionals.I try very hard to think about how their lives are in their shoes.I try to show respect, even if I am not getting respect in return, as with children and adults, I must “practice what I preach” and be a role model.
API believes that parents can “build the foundation of trust and empathy by understanding and responding appropriately to your infant's needs”.What this means to me is as parents, we must recognize that infants only have one way to communicate-crying.Whether they are in need of food, a diaper change, feel sick, are uncomfortable, or just need comfort, a crying baby is a baby in need of attention and love.I have heard people say that if you respond to every cry of a baby, they are sure to become accustomed to it and spoiled.This is simply not true!!Babies “learn to trust when their needs are consistently responded to with sensitivity. Building a strong attachment with a baby involves not only responding consistently to his physical needs, but spending enjoyable time interacting with him and thus meeting his emotional needs as well.”(API).
Now I will be first to say that this can be TIRING!!!Besides breastfeeding, tending to Eli’s constant needs was very difficult for me physically.I had a hard time understanding why he needed me so much and why he wasn’t one of those “calm” babies that would sleep a lot, wake to eat, and sleep again perfectly content in their swing or bouncy seat.I quickly learned that Eli’s needs were more and that I had a choice: meet his needs or have a crabby, unhappy, untrusting baby.This was also hard for me because I hadn’t seen other moms going through this.Some families do not practice this style of responding with sensitivity.They aren’t bad parents, but they had a different mindset of what an infant needs and how to meet these needs.I couldn’t be this way.I had to do everything I could to meet his needs and recognize my role in helping him become a trusting human being.I also quickly realized that in meeting his needs, both physically and emotionally, I was also building a lasting bond between mother & child....one that was also a great need of my own!I feel so lucky to have such a close attachment to Eli.I’ve seen when babies/toddlers don’t have this relationship with their parents and it saddens me.These babies/toddlers, in my opinion, are easily agitated, extra clingy, and just overall unhappy.Not that ALL babies/toddlers don’t have moods and stages of clinginess and tantrums (Eli included!), but parents who do not put their child’s needs first and make the time to bond, it seems to show in their child's every day demeanor.
*****
“Babies and children require empathy and respect for their feelings to help them learn to feel safe and secure.” (API)
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Here are some important points to remember when responding to your baby/toddler/child with sensitivity and empathy:
“Babies' brains are immature and significantly underdeveloped at birth, and they are unable to soothe themselves.”
“Through the consistent, repeated responsiveness of a compassionate adult, children learn to soothe themselves.”What is important to remember, though, is every child has their own timeframe as to when they are ready and able to soothe themselves.Especially with sleeping, even when this magical moment has occurred (hehe), it is helpful to remember that children are human beings.No one night is the same and issues such as sickness, being too hot, too cold, nightmares, or just a need to be held can make each night unique.
“Some babies and children appear more sensitive to the environment and stimulation.”This is important because, again in relation to sleep, each child is unique and some children want a nightlight, and others cannot have any light to sleep soundly.Some children want their own space, some want to sleep close to their parents.It’s really all trial and error for parents to find out what works best for their child!
“Understand your child's natural inner rhythms, and try to schedule around them.”This point is also very important.With sleeping, Eli has always been a random napper up until around a year old.I tried to become as good as I could at reading his sleep cues, and ignoring the clock.Some parents believe in scheduling your child, which some children respond to well, while others do not.I am a scheduled person myself, so it was hard for me to not know what each day held because I was dedicated to working about HIS natural rhythms.Some days I fought this, and would try to help him nap when he wasn’t ready or keep him up when he was tired.These days always went badly.I eventually found his rhythm (sleep every 2 hours after waking from last round of sleep….but his naps were only 30-45 minutes …..so about 4 or so naps a day!).We did the same with bed time.Eli didn’t have a set bedtime until he was around 10-11 months and even then, it would fluctuate.Prior to this age, we did a routine each night (bath, books, nursing, bed), and still do, but we would then read his cues as to when to actually put him to bed.Only now is he more consistent at down to one nap a day at around the same time (1pm) and going to bed around the same time (8pm)….it took awhile to get here, though!!
“It is perfectly normal for babies to want constant physical contact.”YES!!It is possible to hold and love your child without spoiling them!Later API talks about babywearing which is the perfect way to ensure physical contact!
“High levels of stress, such as during prolonged crying, cause a baby to experience an unbalanced chemical state in the brain and can place him at risk for physical and emotional problems later in life.”I will speak to this when I discuss the topic of sleep sharing/co-sleeping in another post.BUT, I will say that I took a class about violence in grad school and one of the books we read has extensive research about exactly this.It is shown that a lack of attachment and an infants’ inability to learn trust can have negative effects later in life.Pretty scary stuff!
“Tantrums represent real emotions and as such should be taken seriously.”In my research about tantrums (so I can understand the best way to deal with Eli’s tantrums!), everything talks about how at Eli’s age, tantrums are a way to express frustration of an inability to communicate.Toddlers are supposed to learn about and explore their world…it’s their job!When something gets in the way of that, tantrums can occur.As parents, we of course must keep our children safe from harm.But, there are more respectful and sensitive ways to accomplish this than saying “no!” all the time or reprimanding them for doing what is natural to them….being an explorer!Gently distracting, redirecting, teaching about what is unsafe and why, providing alternatives, and baby/toddler proofing their environment can greatly decrease this cause of tantrums.This can be hard work, though, as sometimes it seems it doesn’t matter how much you toddler proof, they always seem to find something they shouldn’t have.But, if you are with your child, or in close proximity, as they explore, you can see those “teachable moments” occur and can handle them with sensitivity instead of just reacting to them doing something YOU don’t want them to do.Repetition is also key along with maintaining a calm voice and getting on their level.A book I am slowly reading is called “Adventures in Gentle Discipline” by Hilary Flower.This book has been referred to as the “bible” of gentle discipline with wonderful ideas, examples, and techniques to use.
“Some emotions are too powerful for a young child's underdeveloped brain to manage in a more socially acceptable manner.”To me, this simply means that we cannot expect toddlers to be able to think rationally and behave/react the way we would to our emotions.Toddlers are learning what their emotions are and need to be able to safely explore and express their sadness, anger, frustration, jealousy, etc.We are just supposed to gently guide them into more appropriate ways to react to their emotions to help them eventually be able to control and express them.This may mean a time or two of not being able to go to Target or not being able to sit down to a long meal at a restaurant without a tantrum.As sensitive parents, we need to do all we can to prepare for these situations by pre-teaching, having distractions (snacks, toys, etc.), letting the child be a part of the errand/outing (helping choose between buying oranges or apples, as an example), respecting the child’s desire to explore & investigate, and respecting the fact that an hour or more at a store where he/she is expected to sit in a cart or in a high chair is too much to expect!
“A parent's role in tantrums is to comfort the child, not to get angry or punish her.”What I have read says that parents should acknowledge the child’s emotions during a tantrum by saying things like “I know you are feeling really angry right now because we had to put away the bubbles because mommy knows you really like bubbles.We can do bubbles again at bath time after dinner.”Parents should not condemn the child for their emotions and for the tantrum, but rather hold or console them if they want to be (some children do not), keep them safe, and talk to them about what they are feeling and with your facial expressions, tone of voice, and words showing empathy.This is of course hard to do as we have the instinct to stop them and show our displeasure of the tantrum, but this is only telling the child that their emotions are wrong and that when they express them, they get into trouble.Controlling emotions and expressing them in a safe and effective manner must be learned slowly over time through modeling and support.
Lastly, API talks about this principle in relation to the older toddler, much of which I already touched on above:
“Continue to nurture a close connection by respecting the child's feelings and trying to understand the needs underlying his outward behaviors.”
“Support explorations by providing a safe environment for discovery and remaining close by.”
“Show interest in the child's activities and participate enthusiastically in child-directed play.”
“Some children enjoy preschool or other programs where parents are not included, but they is not necessary for child development. Consider the child's readiness to separate and the amount and type of support provided by adults.”
Wow…..this was a long one but I think an essential one that is really the backbone to attachment parenting.Attachment parenting involves parenting with sensitivity towards and respect of their child/ren.After all, YOU are who they look to for a model of how to treat themselves, treat others, and operate in this world.I already feel our parenting has made an impact on Eli and am so proud that he is such a loving, caring, fun, outgoing, and secure little boy.
If you’ve been reading my blog since Eli’s birth, you know what a challenge breastfeeding was for us.I never realized how difficult breastfeeding could be until little Eli entered the world.I felt that I was educated about breastfeeding and knew some of the issues that could occur as I attended a breastfeeding class and started going to La Leche League meetings.Majority of my friends breastfed, I was breastfed, so I knew it could be done and was dedicated to make it work.That being said, there were MANY times I wanted to give up.I often wondered how something so “natural” could be so difficult.
According to API, “Feeding a child involves more than providing nutrients; it is an act of love.”This statement could be no truer about the importance of breastfeeding in attachment parenting.I believe that in our society, we have lost the true purpose of breastfeeding.If you ask moms, I think most would agree with the importance of breastfeeding, but unfortunately, many of these moms are only looking at the nutritional value, and not how nursing aids and fosters in the emotional bonding between mother and child.API says “The newborn's rooting, sucking, and crying reflexes evolved to ensure the close proximity of a mother or other caregiver that the baby can depend on to meet her intense needs. The more parents learn to identify and meet their baby's needs, the more securely attached the parent-child bond becomes.”You often hear expectant moms say “Yes, I plan to breastfeed, but probably for only a few months.”Or moms might say “I breastfed but quit at 6 months because it’s no longer nutritionally necessary after that.”While I respect a mom’s decision about breastfeeding, I am often saddened how our society pushes women to wean our children too early.Moms often feel pressure to hide nursing and somehow feel ashamed that they are providing love and nutrition to their baby.While many moms start breastfeeding, it seems that as baby gets older, bottle feeding becomes the norm.I believe due to moms feeling breastfeeding is too difficult (nursing in public, pressure from spouse and family to use bottles so THEY can feed baby, the fact that breastfed babies do not meet society expectations of sleeping through the night, etc.).
As I have said before, La Leche League and my hospital lactation group saved our breastfeeding relationship.I also utilized kellymom often for nursing questions and support.The research and facts about the vital importance of nursing is vast, and I could easily write a thesis with this information.Some facts that I find so interesting about nursing, and what keeps us nursing to this day are as follows:
Babies who are breastfed get sick less often due to molecules and cells found in human breast milk.I find this to be true for Eli.He has had 1 bad illness of Bronchilitis with an ear infection but all of his other bouts of illness have been colds.I was just thinking the other day that Eli has not been sick for quite awhile.This benefit to breastfeeding is worth it’s weight in gold….less doctor visits and a happy baby!While many moms know about this advantage, many think the immunities built in the first months are all that is necessary.But according to this article, a child’s immunity is not fully built until at least age 5-thus a reason to continue breastfeeding until age 2….and beyond!Plus, because breastfed babies/toddlers get sick less often, moms miss less work….which is an advantage to employers!Did you ALSO know that when mom gets sick, mom’s body knows to make immunities in her breastmilk to help baby not get sick?Pretty amazing!
Breastfeeding is a great source of birth control….plus it delays the start of menstruation!I did not start my period back until Eli was 15 months old….how awesome is that!Breastfeeding is not 100% birth control but according to this article, if certain conditions are met, is about 98%!
Breastfeeding moms have a reduced rate of breast and ovarian cancer.This one speaks for itself!
Breastfeeding is a wonderful comforting tool for boo-boo’s and for overall bad moods!I can melt Eli’s boo-boo’s and frustration or tantrums with a simple “Eli, milk?”It’s awesome!
Another big reason for me to love breastfeeding is that it filled in nutritional gaps when Eli was not taking well to solids and now if he has a not so great day of eating solids.Eli didn’t take well to eating solids until he was around 11 months.Because I was still nursing, he didn’t lose any weight and my milk had enough fat in it that the pediatrician was not at all concerned about his delay in solids.This made me feel SO relieved as I knew that Eli could take his time for when HE was ready to eat solids.In addition there was no rush to start cow’s milk, which can lead to allergies or just overall digestive issues if introduced too early.Eli didn’t start drinking cow’s milk (well, he did have cheese starting around 13 months or so) until he was 16 months old.In addition, the few times Eli was sick, he would cut back on eating much but I knew that nursing would take care of him nutritionally and would also provide the needed comfort.Breastfeeding has provided me with peace of mind in this area for sure!!
Some other random facts are:
-that breastfeeding has been shown to reduce the tendency of child abuse as the mother is more in tune to babies cues and the rate of post partum depression is greatly lessened.
-breastfeeding helps babies deal better with vaccinations especially when nursing during the shot
-breastfeeding lowers the likelihood of childhood obesity primarily due to babies/toddlers learning to eat when they are hungry and have portion control
-breastfeeding reduces the risk of SIDS
Extended nursing has been wonderful for us.I know it’s not a choice for every mom, but I have been so happy that we have chosen to continue our nursing relationship.I hope to allow Eli to self wean as much as possible.Here are some facts about nursing toddlers that I found too awesome…..did you know that:
* In the second year (12-23 months), 448 mL of breastmilk provides:
-29% of energy requirements
-43% of protein requirements
-36% of calcium requirements
-75% of vitamin A requirements
-76% of folate requirements
-94% of vitamin B12 requirements
-60% of vitamin C requirements(kellymom.com)
*Extensive research on the relationship between cognitive achievement (IQ scores, grades in school) and breastfeeding has shown the greatest gains for those children breastfed the longest.(kellymom.com)
*According to Sally Kneidel in "Nursing Beyond One Year" (New Beginnings, Vol. 6 No. 4, July-August 1990, pp. 99-103.): "Research reports on the psychological aspects of nursing are scarce. One study that dealt specifically with babies nursed longer than a year showed a significant link between the duration of nursing and mothers' and teachers' ratings of social adjustment in six- to eight-year-old children (Ferguson et al, 1987). In the words of the researchers, 'There are statistically significant tendencies for conduct disorder scores to decline with increasing duration of breastfeeding.'" (kellymom.com)
Here are few wonderful articles about the benefits and experiences of nursing toddlers:
API continues to discuss the importance of “nurturing through feeding” even beyond breastfeeding.They talk about watching baby for signs of solid readiness and not going strictly by age, introducing solids slowly to reduce allergens, following baby’s cues of hunger and how much they want to eat, using meal time as a time for connection, offering a variety of healthy foods, and not using food for reward or punishment.They also discuss the importance of gentle and as much as possible, baby-led weaning.For Eli, I was initially concerned about his delay in starting solids but after researching and talking with other attachment parenting moms, I discovered that a child led approach to eating is the best.I read a book, My Child Won’t Eat-Carols Gonzalez, that also helped ease my mind.The author talks about how starting solids need not be rushed and in fact a delay in starting solids is best overall for baby.The book also gave an international view of the issue as he is a Brazilian pediatrician.Dr. Sears and kellymom also has some wonderful info about starting solids.
I can attest to the benefits of making sure baby is ready for solids.Eli is really an awesome eater now and likes a variety of foods.Don’t get me wrong, he has his favorites and definitely foods he dislikes, but overall he has a very healthy attitude about eating.I can only hope this continues and that as a family we can make meal time a time for bonding and connection!
I can’t close this parenting post without saying that breastfeeding hasn’t been all positive.There are issues I have dealt with such as cracked nipples, engorgement, clogged ducts (thankfully only once!), the difficulty of pumping at work, and the fact that many breastfed babies don’t sleep through the night.BUT, every day, every week, every month I re-evaluate and remind myself how important the commitment to breastfeeding is for Eli.I will look back and realize that this precious time was all too short.I’ll end with this quote that sums up the beautiful act of breastfeeding: “After the miracle of having a baby grow inside me and giving birth, nursing is another awe inspiring miracle of nature. It is the gift of my whole being: nourishment, health, love, and comfort -- all packed into one precious moment we share -- mother and baby. What other moment could be so complete!”(LLL)
According to API, “Making informed decisions about childbirth, newborn care, and parenting practices is a critical investment in the attachment relationship between parent and child. Education is a key component of preparation for the difficult decisions required of parents and is an ongoing process as each stage of growth and development brings new joys and challenges.”In this principle, they combine pregnancy, birth & parenting. I feel these 3 topics are much too big to cover in one post, so I’m just going to discuss pregnancy and child birth.
Reflect on childhood experiences and current beliefs about parenting
I think many women who want children naturally reflect on their own upbringing and contemplate the type of mother they hope to be. We all have opinions about how well our parents raised us and the experiences that contributed to making us who we are today.I remember while studying to become a teacher, I reflected on the strong belief in education my parents had for my sisters and me.In addition while in grad school, I reflected about how lucky I was to be raised in a home where my parents cared for and loved us unconditionally, as many children, sadly, are not as lucky.
Explore parenting philosophies
This one goes along with the previous point, but just emphasizes the importance of taking the time to research about the type of parent you want to be.In my preparation to become a teacher, I learned about child development, discipline strategies, and child psychology.This experience already helped me form some of my ideas about the use of positive discipline and a parenting style that understands, recognizes and respects the development stages of children.During my pregnancy, I focused primarily on the pregnancy itself and the first couple of months of infancy.I think I felt too overwhelmed to dig any deeper.I did know through my experiences, that I wanted to be close both physically and emotionally to my children and would do what I could to give my children everything they needed to be successful and happy in life.I now know that many of my philosophies are in line with attachment parenting principles.
Work through negative emotions surrounding the pregnancy
I did not have negative emotions about my pregnancy as Eli was planned and we were ecstatic about his upcoming arrival.From the moment Eric & I planned our future and time line for children, I did all I could to make our plans work.From stopping birth control a few months prior to trying to help my cycle get on a natural rhythm to tracking my ovulation, I was able to find out fairly quickly that I was pregnant with Eli.In fact I was only a few weeks along when my pregnancy was confirmed!
Prepare physically for pregnancy; eat nutritious foods, exercise regularly, avoid stress when possible
For me, I am not an unhealthy eater, but I am not a health nut either.When I became pregnant, my appetite increased, and I allowed myself to indulge in my cravings: ice cream, peanut butter and fruit.But along with that, I tried to eat healthy meals and I stopped drinking coffee.It was actually interesting because I stopped even craving coffee!I didn’t exercise regularly, but did go on walks and did some prenatal yoga.I had pelvic and back pain so the yoga was helpful, although I just used a video and probably would have benefited from an actual class.I also wish I would have gone to a chiropractor.I believe with baby #2 (no, I’m not pregnant) I will make that a priority!I was good about avoiding stress and had no problem telling my co-workers and boss when I couldn’t do something.I did work up until the day Eli was born, but I wanted to save all my time for AFTER he was born!I knew I was sharing my body with my child and that anything I did to my body I was also doing to my child’s, so it was important to remain healthy and stress free.I believe it is very important to have this mind set during pregnancy as it prepares you for the drastic change of bringing a child into your life- especially when you are committing to a baby-led, attachment style of parenting which is much different than trying to mold baby to YOUR schedule and lifestyle….it’s a commitment!!
Explore different types of healthcare providers and birthing options.
This one was hard for me.While I commend moms who do home births, use midwives and doulas, and go natural, I knew that wasn’t for me.I went to a doula for a massage once per referral of a friend and while I liked her, and thought it would be amazing to have a doula present at my birth, the money was just too much to even consider.As for home births, I don’t think I could EVER do one.I am naturally a “what if” person and the thought of something going wrong and not being at a hospital really freaks me out.As for a natural birth, I considered this after reading great things about it, but decided I couldn’t do it.I had never experienced any sort of intense pain in my life: never had a broken bone, any surgery, not even a cavity filled!I knew that the pain of childbirth would be too much for me and that I would end up being angry and frustrated with the pain.I didn’t want child birth to be that way for me.I wanted to enjoy it (so to speak) and be alert enough to participate but medicated enough to not feel all the pain.I chose an epidural, and knew I would get one as soon as they allowed me to.I won’t go into detail about my experience, but essentially my epidural only partially worked anyway, so I didn’t really get my complete wish JIt is important, though, to research and decide what type of birth you are wanting and come up with a birth plan to help guide you on that special day!I do think that if you decide to go natural or some alternative type of delivery, it is important to be flexible and remember that you are not a failure if it doesn’t go exactly as you hoped.I’ve heard of this happening and I can’t imagine feeling that guilt about your baby’s birth.It should be a happy occasion….not one filled with regret!
P.S. I also wanted to add that I think I had a double whammy so to speak because I went into full labor around 6:30pm at night (with slight labor the previous 12 hours). I feel for all moms in this situation because essentially what happens is you are usually in labor for about 8-12 hours. Therefore, you miss one night of sleep due to being in labor. This was another reason I wanted an epidural. I wanted to be able to rest and possibly sleep so that I could have more energy for the actual pushing. I got my epidural at 4 cm and was pain free until 8 cm. So from about 9pm-2am or so I was feeling great. My family had drove down from Iowa and I was able to talk with them and enjoy the experience. Then around midnight or so, Eric & I decided we had better try to get some sleep....or at least some rest. Unfortunately I never actually fell asleep because around the 2am time frame I began to feel intense pain on my right side of my body. This was the epidural not working on my right side and no matter how many ways the nurses positioned me (you have to rotate your body with an epidural to make sure the medicine is equally distributed), I still felt the contractions on that one side. That night the birthing unit was particularly busy (8 boys born that night!!) and the anesthesiologist was busy with emergency C sections so I was low on the totem pole and didn't get any relief until I was almost a 10 and ready start pushing. If I could have got a couple of hours of sleep at least I think that would have helped me. In addition, after Eli was born (I thought my body was literally being torn apart as I could feel the doctor prying me open!!), I was SOOOOO exhausted and I remember just feeling so glad it was over but still in pain. They put him on my chest and I said "We made it!" in a very weak voice with my eyes barely open (this is on video). Then they took Eli to check him over and they began to sew me up (I tore in 2 places). This was equally as painful and I just so wanted it to be over and try to enjoy my son. I feel that if the epidural would have worked like it should, I would have not felt so much pain and could have enjoyed the moment a little more. This is how I now actual natural child birth would not have worked for me. I cannot tolerate pain....period. I really feel that losing the night of sleep was hard on me. I already was tired and giving birth at 8:05am and having to face the day without any sleep was a lot for me to handle. If I had it my way I would have start hard labor at around 8am and gave birth around 8pm! I may have had not so great sleep before then but at least I would have had some and could then have maybe been able to get some more sleep that evening. Can't plan these things, though (I guess you can, but that would mean an induction which I only would have done if necessary)!!
I just think that some people can do natural, others truly cannot. I have a friend who did natural with her first-hated it-and then did epidurals with her last 2 and wished she had known how better an epidural made it for her. I have another friend who had an epidural and says she had very little pain and enjoyed the experience of child birth (I was slightly jealous of this!). I do think, though, that if my body just doesn't take epidurals like it should, probably due to my scoliosis, I should probably plan to use better techniques for natural child birth. We did take a child birth class so I used my breathing, but it didn't seem to help much.
Recommit to a strong, healthy relationship between expectant parents
Without saying, this one is essential.Bringing a child into your relationship will not fix your relationship!In addition, because attachment parenting is a lifestyle change and commitment to a baby-led approach, it is essential to have the support and “buy-in” from your spouse.I don’t know how I could have done the style of parenting I am now and made it this far without the support of my husband.Eric is so wonderful about listening to my research and dedicating himself to attachment parenting.I feel Eli is very attached and bonded with Eric and loves his daddy.Eric puts Eli first and has no issues with dedicating his time to playing with and caring for Eli.
Educate yourself about breastfeeding
YES!It is very important to educate yourself about breastfeeding.Even if you are not sure, telling yourself that you will learn all you can: read books, take a class, attend La Leche League, BEFORE you give birth will help you to feel prepared to make an educated decision.Breastfeeding does not always come naturally.My experience with breastfeeding was a tough one for a few months and I almost quit many times, but with support I made the decision to keep going and do what was best for Eli.Now I can’t imagine our mother child relationship WITHOUT breastfeeding as it is such an integral part!Lactaion support groups at the hospital, LLL, websites, forums, and family support are what got me through and I am so thankful!I could go on and on about the importance and benefits for both mother and child of breastfeeding but I won’t as there are many resources.My resources that I refer to often are:
I pretty well summed this up earlier but I will say it is truly a personal decision.I don’t feel that because I chose an epidural that I am any less attached to Eli.I was alert and even though I couldn’t physically move around due to the epidural, I don’t know if I would have anyway!
Research all aspects of "routine" newborn care, such as bathing, circumcision, eye drops, blood samples, collecting cord blood, etc. Document your preferences and share them with health care providers.
I definitely researched all of this and I think the only thing I would have changed is maybe donating cord blood to a cord blood bank.I knew we couldn’t afford to bank privately, but I read about donating to a public cord bank but just never followed through on it.I also really contemplated circumcision.We decided to go ahead and circumcise for a couple of reasons but it was good to research and feel that our decision was based on an educated choice.
Prepare to have extra help in the first few weeks after birth
We had prepared for my mom to stay with us for a couple of weeks after delivery.In addition, Eric had the first week off.My in-laws live in town so I knew they were available to help at any time and they did on several occasions.Having this kind of help is essential!Knowing family could attend to Eli while I tried to nap (my anxiousness often didn’t allow me to) or at least showered was wonderful.My mom also helped with meal prep and cleaning which helped relieve my stress and allowed me to feel more relaxed about the time I was dedicating to Eli.
Dr. Sears' first principle in Attachment Parenting is Birth Bonding. Here he talks about how the first few weeks after birth are the most essential to attachment. He says "A close attachment after birth and beyond allows the natural, biological attachment-promoting behaviors of the infant and the intuitive, biological, caregiving qualities of the mother to come together. Both members of this biological pair get off to the right start at a time when the infant is most needy and the mother is most ready to nurture" Having help around to give you this absolutely imperative time with baby is essential.
As I said before, if I felt we could afford a doula, I would have definitely hired one.The benefit of a doula is having an experienced professional who is there for you and only you.They work with you during the pregnancy to educate you and learn about what YOU want for your birth and then make sure your wishes are heard.
P.S. According to the doula I saw her fees were around $500. This was too much for us. She also said that since I was planning to use an epidural, that her services may not be as useful as it would if I were going natural or using some other alternative birthing option. For a mom who is just planning to have pain meds and follow doctor's orders, so to speak, a doula may not be much help as their role is really to make sure your voice is heard and birth plan is followed. Maybe this isn't true, but that is what made us not hire one.
Be prepared with questions to ask should unexpected birth or newborn situations arise
What are the benefits of this intervention, and what are your instincts telling you?
What are the risks and possible outcomes if I choose to do this or if I choose not to?
What are the other options?
How long do I have to make the decision?
While I didn’t have to worry about any adverse situations (thankfully!), I feel that I would have trusted the doctor to make the best decision.Yes, I would have listened to my instincts and if there was time, or a decision to be made, I would have researched my options like crazy.But if an unexpected situation arose and the doctor gave their medical advice, I probably would have followed it.I did do some research prior to delivery about some things that could occur and watched MANY baby stories on TLC (hehe) to at least be aware of many of the complications that could occur.Maybe I have too much faith in the medical profession but I also felt I was in good hands with my OBGYN group.
Welcome to parenting post #2!I thought I would start by discussing the principles of Attachment Parenting, how I have or have not utilized them, and the research I have found.I’ll focus one principle a week from Attachment Parenting International (API) and Dr. Sears, the websites I frequent when I have questions about Attachment Parenting.In addition to these websites, I belong to a local forum on Attachment Parenting where parents in the KC area ask questions, share stories, and support each other on their journey.Here are the principles identified by API and Dr. Sears:
According to API, there are 8 principles in Attachment Parenting:
1)Prepare for pregnancy, birth and parenting
2)Feed with love and respect
3)Respond with sensitivity
4)Use nurturing touch
5)Ensure safe sleep, physically and emotionally
6)Provide consistent and loving care
7)Practice positive discipline
8)Strive for balance in personal and family life
According to Dr. Sears, there are 7 Attachment tools:
1)Birth bonding
2)Breastfeeding
3)Babywearing
4)Bedding close to baby
5)Belief in the language value of your baby’s cries
6)Beware of baby trainers
7)Balance
Below are some resources that I’ll be citing during my upcoming posts.Please feel free to comment about other resources that you think I would enjoy reading and referring to-I’d love the input!
Next week I’ll post about API’s principle of preparing for pregnancy, birth and parenting and Dr. Sears’ principle of birth bonding.Have a great remainder of the week!
Below is the first post of hopefully many that I want to write to document my ideas and research about parenting. I have debated doing this post for awhile now, and finally decided to do it. It's long, but hopefully explains what I am wanting to do with these posts. Hopefully some of you will also benefit from this and future posts of this type. If not, just ignore my posts entitled "Parenting Post". Don't worry, it won't hurt my feelings :)Happy reading!
Those who know me know that I am a researcher at heart.If I could afford it (and had time!), I would go back to school to get my PhD so I could perform research in the area of social work.Any question that arises in my personal and professional life (and there are many, just ask Eric :), I get to work searching online, reading books, talking to friends and family, and chatting on forums and chat rooms to complete strangers.This aspect of my personality didn’t just happen by itself.My father has a PhD in Biochemistry and is a Senior Research Fellow at a respected seed company researching plant genetics.He has many patents, published articles, and fellow scientists who are interested in his research.So, you can see how “nature” (or genetics) has played its way in my life.
I also have a love of teaching.I taught elementary school for 3 years and still work with children today as my current job is a culmination of my teaching and social work education and experience.My desire for teaching comes from a passion to help and educate other to make the best choices for their lives.I enjoy sharing my research findings with friends and family and being around like minded individuals who can discuss topics of interest.
At every phase in my life I have focused on areas of interest to research.When in college, I researched areas of classroom discipline.Before getting married, I planned and researched how to put together the day Eric & I would always remember.So, it was only natural that my researching kicked into high gear when we found out I was expecting Eli.I researched books, websites, forums, and talked with friends and family to help learn about my pregnancy, make decisions about my birth, and how to best prepare for his arrival.Being pregnant with Eli was the most exciting and wonderful time in my life.
What I didn’t research much, though, was parenting.I think I felt overwhelmed and somewhat anxious about my pregnancy and delivery (I had no issues, but being a first time mom was enough!) so that is all I could focus on.Plus, I now know that most decisions I would have made about parenting BEFORE Eli was born would have been thrown to the wayside as I had NO idea how I would feel once he entered our lives.No books, chat rooms, or even friends or family could have prepared me for the deep love I was about to experience.Nothing could have told me about the intense desire I would feel to be near my son.No book could have prepared me for such an intense bond that was developed between a mother and child.And no one could have convinced me that I would choose the style of parenting Eric & I are trying to learn about and commit ourselves to….
….Attachment parenting: family bed, extended breastfeeding, nurturing touch, close physical presence, gentle/positive discipline, responsive parenting, natural child birth, alternative vaccination schedule, etc., etc.When I first read about this style of parenting, I instantly thought of those moms who eat organic food, never watch t.v., and who only buy recycled or natural products: hippie moms (not that there is anything wrong with that!).I was far from that!
But I also quickly understood that my seemingly fussy, high needs infant was not sleeping well, loved to be held, and nursed A LOT. I quickly realized, too, that my doctor, friends, family, books, and many of the websites I had researched throughout my pregnancy didn’t have a whole lot of solutions for me….at least many that I felt comfortable with.I was told by Eli’s pediatrician at his 1 week appointment that I should cut back on nursing as he was gaining weight quickly and since I was so sore, I needed to cut back.I was told when Eli was still pretty young by books and some friends that I needed to work on Eli’s sleep problems by letting him “cry it out”.I read that allowing Eli to sleep in my arms for naptime would set up a terrible routine that he would NEVER grow out of.
None of this advice felt right.Eli has truly tested my natural desire to schedule, fix, and plan.Adjusting to a baby-led “schedule” and an “on-cue” nursing style was hard for me.Going on little sleep was even harder but the idea of letting my baby whom I deeply loved and had such a strong desire to be close to cry was unbearable.
Thankfully, La Leche League and my hospital breastfeeding group supplied me with like-minded women.I felt at ease with these fellow moms and lactation consultants who seemed to understand my bond with Eli and gave me peace to allow myself to follow my instincts.I owe so much gratitude to the La Leche League leaders, lactation consultants, and fellow moms (whom I consider close friends) for giving me the strength to go against the grain and follow my heart.This is when I allowed myself to research more about Attachment Parenting and make choices that felt right for my son.I committed myself to on cue nursing.I quit my job and stayed home full-time with Eli for 1 year.I kept Eli close by as often as I could (although he never took to a sling, which would have made it MUCH easier).I committed myself to doing all I could to help Eli feel safe, secure, and loved.
But, Eli’s sleep was still a struggle.For many months, I tried to find the “solution” to his sleep.He slept in his car seat, vibrate chair, unswaddled, swaddled, white noise, dark room, etc., etc.Nothing seemed to help.I fought and fought and found his sleep to be the one area that I could not come to terms with.
Then, magically, I read a book (one of many) from the library about night waking.Suddenly I felt at ease about Eli’s need to be close to me not only during the day but at night and started to co-sleep full-time.What a relief!A weight had been lifted off my shoulders.I remember crying the first night at the idea of no longer fighting his sleep.I quickly came to realize that Eli needed his mama to sleep, and his mama was able to meet his need best by co-sleeping.This was a huge hurdle for me as I was terrified of co-sleeping: roll over by parent, SIDS, rolling off bed, etc.But through my research, I found the safest way to make this work for us (and yes, we still co-sleep 80% of the time: crib for naps & for first 3-4 hours at night, then in bed with mama & dada!)
I felt I needed to include this long introduction to help everyone understand why starting this posting is important to me.I am combining my desire to research and teach by posting weekly (or every 2 weeks depending on my time) about my research and personal stories of my parenting journey.I do not claim to be a “true” Attachment parent.My “style” uses many aspects of Attachment Parenting, but not all-but it serves as the backbone.I do not pretend to know all about Attachment Parenting or about what my parenting will look like as Eli grows.What I do know is that I continue to have that strong desire to parent with tenderness, warmth, respect, and love.
I feel we’ve been successful in our journey so far.Eli is very attached to his mama and dada, and we are attached to him.The bond between us is amazing and I truly believe he knows his needs will always be met and not ignored resulting in the loving, fun, outgoing, smart boy he is today.
So, if you are interested in following along and learning with me through this journey, check in.If you don’t agree with my style of parenting or aren’t interested, that’s okay.I will continue to post the weekly “fun” posts filled with little Eli stories, pictures and videos.Please also know that these are my opinions.I believe each family has to do what is right for THEIR family.I in no way am suggesting that if you use a parenting style that is different from mine that you are wrong.This is a way for me to document my stories and research and hopefully educate those who are interested about our way of raising Eli.
