Parenting post #5: Respond with Sensitivity

The component of attachment parenting that drew me the most is the idea of parenting with empathy, compassion, respect, and love. I have never “liked” the type of parenting that suggests a child should be “seen and not heard” or that DEMANDS a child respect his elders. As a teacher, I had the same belief. I remember in interview after interview talking about how respect should be earned, not demanded. I felt that a teacher must build an environment in the classroom where a child feels safe and respected and only then will a teacher get respect in return. In my career as a social worker, I have carried this belief into my interactions with children, families, and other professionals. I try very hard to think about how their lives are in their shoes. I try to show respect, even if I am not getting respect in return, as with children and adults, I must “practice what I preach” and be a role model.

API believes that parents can “build the foundation of trust and empathy by understanding and responding appropriately to your infant's needs”. What this means to me is as parents, we must recognize that infants only have one way to communicate-crying. Whether they are in need of food, a diaper change, feel sick, are uncomfortable, or just need comfort, a crying baby is a baby in need of attention and love. I have heard people say that if you respond to every cry of a baby, they are sure to become accustomed to it and spoiled. This is simply not true!! Babies “learn to trust when their needs are consistently responded to with sensitivity. Building a strong attachment with a baby involves not only responding consistently to his physical needs, but spending enjoyable time interacting with him and thus meeting his emotional needs as well.” (API).

Now I will be first to say that this can be TIRING!!! Besides breastfeeding, tending to Eli’s constant needs was very difficult for me physically. I had a hard time understanding why he needed me so much and why he wasn’t one of those “calm” babies that would sleep a lot, wake to eat, and sleep again perfectly content in their swing or bouncy seat. I quickly learned that Eli’s needs were more and that I had a choice: meet his needs or have a crabby, unhappy, untrusting baby. This was also hard for me because I hadn’t seen other moms going through this. Some families do not practice this style of responding with sensitivity. They aren’t bad parents, but they had a different mindset of what an infant needs and how to meet these needs. I couldn’t be this way. I had to do everything I could to meet his needs and recognize my role in helping him become a trusting human being. I also quickly realized that in meeting his needs, both physically and emotionally, I was also building a lasting bond between mother & child....one that was also a great need of my own! I feel so lucky to have such a close attachment to Eli. I’ve seen when babies/toddlers don’t have this relationship with their parents and it saddens me. These babies/toddlers, in my opinion, are easily agitated, extra clingy, and just overall unhappy. Not that ALL babies/toddlers don’t have moods and stages of clinginess and tantrums (Eli included!), but parents who do not put their child’s needs first and make the time to bond, it seems to show in their child's every day demeanor.

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“Babies and children require empathy and respect for their feelings to help them learn to feel safe and secure.” (API)

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Here are some important points to remember when responding to your baby/toddler/child with sensitivity and empathy:

• “Babies' brains are immature and significantly underdeveloped at birth, and they are unable to soothe themselves.”
• “Through the consistent, repeated responsiveness of a compassionate adult, children learn to soothe themselves.” What is important to remember, though, is every child has their own timeframe as to when they are ready and able to soothe themselves. Especially with sleeping, even when this magical moment has occurred (hehe), it is helpful to remember that children are human beings. No one night is the same and issues such as sickness, being too hot, too cold, nightmares, or just a need to be held can make each night unique.
• “Some babies and children appear more sensitive to the environment and stimulation.” This is important because, again in relation to sleep, each child is unique and some children want a nightlight, and others cannot have any light to sleep soundly. Some children want their own space, some want to sleep close to their parents. It’s really all trial and error for parents to find out what works best for their child!
• “Understand your child's natural inner rhythms, and try to schedule around them.” This point is also very important. With sleeping, Eli has always been a random napper up until around a year old. I tried to become as good as I could at reading his sleep cues, and ignoring the clock. Some parents believe in scheduling your child, which some children respond to well, while others do not. I am a scheduled person myself, so it was hard for me to not know what each day held because I was dedicated to working about HIS natural rhythms. Some days I fought this, and would try to help him nap when he wasn’t ready or keep him up when he was tired. These days always went badly. I eventually found his rhythm (sleep every 2 hours after waking from last round of sleep….but his naps were only 30-45 minutes …..so about 4 or so naps a day!). We did the same with bed time. Eli didn’t have a set bedtime until he was around 10-11 months and even then, it would fluctuate. Prior to this age, we did a routine each night (bath, books, nursing, bed), and still do, but we would then read his cues as to when to actually put him to bed. Only now is he more consistent at down to one nap a day at around the same time (1pm) and going to bed around the same time (8pm)….it took awhile to get here, though!!
• “It is perfectly normal for babies to want constant physical contact.” YES!! It is possible to hold and love your child without spoiling them! Later API talks about babywearing which is the perfect way to ensure physical contact!
• “High levels of stress, such as during prolonged crying, cause a baby to experience an unbalanced chemical state in the brain and can place him at risk for physical and emotional problems later in life.” I will speak to this when I discuss the topic of sleep sharing/co-sleeping in another post. BUT, I will say that I took a class about violence in grad school and one of the books we read has extensive research about exactly this. It is shown that a lack of attachment and an infants’ inability to learn trust can have negative effects later in life. Pretty scary stuff!
• “Tantrums represent real emotions and as such should be taken seriously.” In my research about tantrums (so I can understand the best way to deal with Eli’s tantrums!), everything talks about how at Eli’s age, tantrums are a way to express frustration of an inability to communicate. Toddlers are supposed to learn about and explore their world…it’s their job! When something gets in the way of that, tantrums can occur. As parents, we of course must keep our children safe from harm. But, there are more respectful and sensitive ways to accomplish this than saying “no!” all the time or reprimanding them for doing what is natural to them….being an explorer! Gently distracting, redirecting, teaching about what is unsafe and why, providing alternatives, and baby/toddler proofing their environment can greatly decrease this cause of tantrums. This can be hard work, though, as sometimes it seems it doesn’t matter how much you toddler proof, they always seem to find something they shouldn’t have. But, if you are with your child, or in close proximity, as they explore, you can see those “teachable moments” occur and can handle them with sensitivity instead of just reacting to them doing something YOU don’t want them to do. Repetition is also key along with maintaining a calm voice and getting on their level. A book I am slowly reading is called “Adventures in Gentle Discipline” by Hilary Flower. This book has been referred to as the “bible” of gentle discipline with wonderful ideas, examples, and techniques to use.
• “Some emotions are too powerful for a young child's underdeveloped brain to manage in a more socially acceptable manner.” To me, this simply means that we cannot expect toddlers to be able to think rationally and behave/react the way we would to our emotions. Toddlers are learning what their emotions are and need to be able to safely explore and express their sadness, anger, frustration, jealousy, etc. We are just supposed to gently guide them into more appropriate ways to react to their emotions to help them eventually be able to control and express them. This may mean a time or two of not being able to go to Target or not being able to sit down to a long meal at a restaurant without a tantrum. As sensitive parents, we need to do all we can to prepare for these situations by pre-teaching, having distractions (snacks, toys, etc.), letting the child be a part of the errand/outing (helping choose between buying oranges or apples, as an example), respecting the child’s desire to explore & investigate, and respecting the fact that an hour or more at a store where he/she is expected to sit in a cart or in a high chair is too much to expect!
• “A parent's role in tantrums is to comfort the child, not to get angry or punish her.” What I have read says that parents should acknowledge the child’s emotions during a tantrum by saying things like “I know you are feeling really angry right now because we had to put away the bubbles because mommy knows you really like bubbles. We can do bubbles again at bath time after dinner.” Parents should not condemn the child for their emotions and for the tantrum, but rather hold or console them if they want to be (some children do not), keep them safe, and talk to them about what they are feeling and with your facial expressions, tone of voice, and words showing empathy. This is of course hard to do as we have the instinct to stop them and show our displeasure of the tantrum, but this is only telling the child that their emotions are wrong and that when they express them, they get into trouble. Controlling emotions and expressing them in a safe and effective manner must be learned slowly over time through modeling and support.

Lastly, API talks about this principle in relation to the older toddler, much of which I already touched on above:

• “Continue to nurture a close connection by respecting the child's feelings and trying to understand the needs underlying his outward behaviors.”
• “Support explorations by providing a safe environment for discovery and remaining close by.”
• “Show interest in the child's activities and participate enthusiastically in child-directed play.”
• “Some children enjoy preschool or other programs where parents are not included, but they is not necessary for child development. Consider the child's readiness to separate and the amount and type of support provided by adults.”

Wow…..this was a long one but I think an essential one that is really the backbone to attachment parenting. Attachment parenting involves parenting with sensitivity towards and respect of their child/ren. After all, YOU are who they look to for a model of how to treat themselves, treat others, and operate in this world. I already feel our parenting has made an impact on Eli and am so proud that he is such a loving, caring, fun, outgoing, and secure little boy.