Parenting Post #1

Below is the first post of hopefully many that I want to write to document my ideas and research about parenting. I have debated doing this post for awhile now, and finally decided to do it. It's long, but hopefully explains what I am wanting to do with these posts. Hopefully some of you will also benefit from this and future posts of this type. If not, just ignore my posts entitled "Parenting Post". Don't worry, it won't hurt my feelings :) Happy reading!

Those who know me know that I am a researcher at heart. If I could afford it (and had time!), I would go back to school to get my PhD so I could perform research in the area of social work. Any question that arises in my personal and professional life (and there are many, just ask Eric :), I get to work searching online, reading books, talking to friends and family, and chatting on forums and chat rooms to complete strangers. This aspect of my personality didn’t just happen by itself. My father has a PhD in Biochemistry and is a Senior Research Fellow at a respected seed company researching plant genetics. He has many patents, published articles, and fellow scientists who are interested in his research. So, you can see how “nature” (or genetics) has played its way in my life.

I also have a love of teaching. I taught elementary school for 3 years and still work with children today as my current job is a culmination of my teaching and social work education and experience. My desire for teaching comes from a passion to help and educate other to make the best choices for their lives. I enjoy sharing my research findings with friends and family and being around like minded individuals who can discuss topics of interest.

At every phase in my life I have focused on areas of interest to research. When in college, I researched areas of classroom discipline. Before getting married, I planned and researched how to put together the day Eric & I would always remember. So, it was only natural that my researching kicked into high gear when we found out I was expecting Eli. I researched books, websites, forums, and talked with friends and family to help learn about my pregnancy, make decisions about my birth, and how to best prepare for his arrival. Being pregnant with Eli was the most exciting and wonderful time in my life.

What I didn’t research much, though, was parenting. I think I felt overwhelmed and somewhat anxious about my pregnancy and delivery (I had no issues, but being a first time mom was enough!) so that is all I could focus on. Plus, I now know that most decisions I would have made about parenting BEFORE Eli was born would have been thrown to the wayside as I had NO idea how I would feel once he entered our lives. No books, chat rooms, or even friends or family could have prepared me for the deep love I was about to experience. Nothing could have told me about the intense desire I would feel to be near my son. No book could have prepared me for such an intense bond that was developed between a mother and child. And no one could have convinced me that I would choose the style of parenting Eric & I are trying to learn about and commit ourselves to….

….Attachment parenting: family bed, extended breastfeeding, nurturing touch, close physical presence, gentle/positive discipline, responsive parenting, natural child birth, alternative vaccination schedule, etc., etc. When I first read about this style of parenting, I instantly thought of those moms who eat organic food, never watch t.v., and who only buy recycled or natural products: hippie moms (not that there is anything wrong with that!). I was far from that!

But I also quickly understood that my seemingly fussy, high needs infant was not sleeping well, loved to be held, and nursed A LOT. I quickly realized, too, that my doctor, friends, family, books, and many of the websites I had researched throughout my pregnancy didn’t have a whole lot of solutions for me….at least many that I felt comfortable with. I was told by Eli’s pediatrician at his 1 week appointment that I should cut back on nursing as he was gaining weight quickly and since I was so sore, I needed to cut back. I was told when Eli was still pretty young by books and some friends that I needed to work on Eli’s sleep problems by letting him “cry it out”. I read that allowing Eli to sleep in my arms for naptime would set up a terrible routine that he would NEVER grow out of.

None of this advice felt right. Eli has truly tested my natural desire to schedule, fix, and plan. Adjusting to a baby-led “schedule” and an “on-cue” nursing style was hard for me. Going on little sleep was even harder but the idea of letting my baby whom I deeply loved and had such a strong desire to be close to cry was unbearable.

Thankfully, La Leche League and my hospital breastfeeding group supplied me with like-minded women. I felt at ease with these fellow moms and lactation consultants who seemed to understand my bond with Eli and gave me peace to allow myself to follow my instincts. I owe so much gratitude to the La Leche League leaders, lactation consultants, and fellow moms (whom I consider close friends) for giving me the strength to go against the grain and follow my heart. This is when I allowed myself to research more about Attachment Parenting and make choices that felt right for my son. I committed myself to on cue nursing. I quit my job and stayed home full-time with Eli for 1 year. I kept Eli close by as often as I could (although he never took to a sling, which would have made it MUCH easier). I committed myself to doing all I could to help Eli feel safe, secure, and loved.

But, Eli’s sleep was still a struggle. For many months, I tried to find the “solution” to his sleep. He slept in his car seat, vibrate chair, unswaddled, swaddled, white noise, dark room, etc., etc. Nothing seemed to help. I fought and fought and found his sleep to be the one area that I could not come to terms with.

Then, magically, I read a book (one of many) from the library about night waking. Suddenly I felt at ease about Eli’s need to be close to me not only during the day but at night and started to co-sleep full-time. What a relief! A weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I remember crying the first night at the idea of no longer fighting his sleep. I quickly came to realize that Eli needed his mama to sleep, and his mama was able to meet his need best by co-sleeping. This was a huge hurdle for me as I was terrified of co-sleeping: roll over by parent, SIDS, rolling off bed, etc. But through my research, I found the safest way to make this work for us (and yes, we still co-sleep 80% of the time: crib for naps & for first 3-4 hours at night, then in bed with mama & dada!)

I felt I needed to include this long introduction to help everyone understand why starting this posting is important to me. I am combining my desire to research and teach by posting weekly (or every 2 weeks depending on my time) about my research and personal stories of my parenting journey. I do not claim to be a “true” Attachment parent. My “style” uses many aspects of Attachment Parenting, but not all-but it serves as the backbone. I do not pretend to know all about Attachment Parenting or about what my parenting will look like as Eli grows. What I do know is that I continue to have that strong desire to parent with tenderness, warmth, respect, and love.

I feel we’ve been successful in our journey so far. Eli is very attached to his mama and dada, and we are attached to him. The bond between us is amazing and I truly believe he knows his needs will always be met and not ignored resulting in the loving, fun, outgoing, smart boy he is today.

So, if you are interested in following along and learning with me through this journey, check in. If you don’t agree with my style of parenting or aren’t interested, that’s okay. I will continue to post the weekly “fun” posts filled with little Eli stories, pictures and videos. Please also know that these are my opinions. I believe each family has to do what is right for THEIR family. I in no way am suggesting that if you use a parenting style that is different from mine that you are wrong. This is a way for me to document my stories and research and hopefully educate those who are interested about our way of raising Eli.