Toddler Parenting Rules

A friend on a parenting forum I am on put together a list of parenting tips for toddlers (after reading a lot of books/research). I think they are wonderful and wanted to share with you all. Thanks Dionna!

P.S. I wanted to say that these are all amazing things to remember when raising a toddler but some really challenge our thinking about what is "good parenting". Items such as #2 & #10 (overdoing praise and really putting yourself at your child's level) are especially. I struggle daily with being successful in all of these points but they help me to stop, think, and reconsider my gut reactions. Enjoy!

1. Keep your eye on long-term goals.Toddler “behaviors” will fade; what will remain is how your child feels about himself and his relationship with you, which is based on how you react to those “behaviors.”

2. Take the child’s perspective. Sure it’s hard to be a parent, but it can be a lot harder to be a kid. We don’t mean to make children feel foolish or unsupported, but that’s just what happens when we trivialize their fears or tears by saying “shhh, you’re ok,” or “don’t be so upset,” etc.

3. Let your child make his own decisions. Our default position ought to be to let kids make decisions about matters that concern them except when there is a compelling reason for us to override that right. We should be prepared to justify why, in each case, kids shouldn’t be allowed to choose. The way kids learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by following directions.

4. Reconsider your requests. Perhaps when your child doesn’t do what you’re demanding, the problem isn’t with the child but with what it is you’re demanding.

5. Remember SALVE:
(S) separate yourself and your emotions from your child’s behavior to be sure you’re TRULY about to respond to your child, and not as a result of some crap in your life/childhood. (If it helps, run through any angry words in your mind, then get rid of them before speaking gently to your child.)
(A) give your kid full, honest attention;
(L) fully listen, be present for your child;
(V) validate your child’s feelings without adding your own (“I see you want ___,” “you were disappointed because ____”);
(E) empower your child to solve the upset himself. Believe in him; don’t rush to “fix” him.

6. Don’t say “no” unnecessarily. “Yes” should be our default response, such that you need a good reason not to go along with what’s being proposed, or to step in and forbid something.

7. Change the way you see behavior. Try to see behavior as “teachable moments” rather than infractions that call for “consequences.” Don’t take behavior personally! A toddler isn’t trying to hurt or inconvenience you or “misbehave.”

8. Respect your child.We can’t always assume that because we’re more mature, we necessarily have more insight into our children than they have into themselves.

9. Keep her age in mind.

10. Stop saying “good job.”Break the habit of saying “good job/sharing!” or “you’re such a great helper!” or “I like the way you . . .” Instead, try “describing, rather than evaluating (“there’s something new on the people you drew, there are toes”); explaining the effects of the child’s action on other people (“you set the table, that makes things a lot easier on me while I’m cooking”); asking, rather than judging (why did you decide to give some of your brownie to Michael when you didn’t have to?”).

11. Give her undivided attention. Don’t just occupy the same space, interact. It’s easy to feel distracted by emails or bills, and it’s fine to multi-task sometimes, but make sure your child gets a good portion of your total attention so they know how very important they are to you. Give them affection without limit, without reservations, and without excuse. Pay as much attention to them as you can, regardless of mood or circumstance. Let them know you’re delighted to be with them, that you care about them no matter what happens. This basic posture is completely different from praise, which is doled out as a response to something a child does.

12. Talk less, ask more, and wait. Step back and let your child figure things out. Wait for him to ask you for help. He may not. He may figure it out alone or he may do something else entirely, and that’s o.k.

13. Talk about appropriate behaviors. Try “please use gentle touches” instead of “stop hitting.”

14. Enjoy the journey – they grow up too fast. Don’t be in such a hurry!