Parenting Post #3: Pregnancy & Birth

According to API, “Making informed decisions about childbirth, newborn care, and parenting practices is a critical investment in the attachment relationship between parent and child. Education is a key component of preparation for the difficult decisions required of parents and is an ongoing process as each stage of growth and development brings new joys and challenges.” In this principle, they combine pregnancy, birth & parenting. I feel these 3 topics are much too big to cover in one post, so I’m just going to discuss pregnancy and child birth.

• Reflect on childhood experiences and current beliefs about parenting

I think many women who want children naturally reflect on their own upbringing and contemplate the type of mother they hope to be. We all have opinions about how well our parents raised us and the experiences that contributed to making us who we are today. I remember while studying to become a teacher, I reflected on the strong belief in education my parents had for my sisters and me. In addition while in grad school, I reflected about how lucky I was to be raised in a home where my parents cared for and loved us unconditionally, as many children, sadly, are not as lucky.

• Explore parenting philosophies

This one goes along with the previous point, but just emphasizes the importance of taking the time to research about the type of parent you want to be. In my preparation to become a teacher, I learned about child development, discipline strategies, and child psychology. This experience already helped me form some of my ideas about the use of positive discipline and a parenting style that understands, recognizes and respects the development stages of children. During my pregnancy, I focused primarily on the pregnancy itself and the first couple of months of infancy. I think I felt too overwhelmed to dig any deeper. I did know through my experiences, that I wanted to be close both physically and emotionally to my children and would do what I could to give my children everything they needed to be successful and happy in life. I now know that many of my philosophies are in line with attachment parenting principles.

• Work through negative emotions surrounding the pregnancy

I did not have negative emotions about my pregnancy as Eli was planned and we were ecstatic about his upcoming arrival. From the moment Eric & I planned our future and time line for children, I did all I could to make our plans work. From stopping birth control a few months prior to trying to help my cycle get on a natural rhythm to tracking my ovulation, I was able to find out fairly quickly that I was pregnant with Eli. In fact I was only a few weeks along when my pregnancy was confirmed!

• Prepare physically for pregnancy; eat nutritious foods, exercise regularly, avoid stress when possible

For me, I am not an unhealthy eater, but I am not a health nut either. When I became pregnant, my appetite increased, and I allowed myself to indulge in my cravings: ice cream, peanut butter and fruit. But along with that, I tried to eat healthy meals and I stopped drinking coffee. It was actually interesting because I stopped even craving coffee! I didn’t exercise regularly, but did go on walks and did some prenatal yoga. I had pelvic and back pain so the yoga was helpful, although I just used a video and probably would have benefited from an actual class. I also wish I would have gone to a chiropractor. I believe with baby #2 (no, I’m not pregnant) I will make that a priority! I was good about avoiding stress and had no problem telling my co-workers and boss when I couldn’t do something. I did work up until the day Eli was born, but I wanted to save all my time for AFTER he was born! I knew I was sharing my body with my child and that anything I did to my body I was also doing to my child’s, so it was important to remain healthy and stress free. I believe it is very important to have this mind set during pregnancy as it prepares you for the drastic change of bringing a child into your life- especially when you are committing to a baby-led, attachment style of parenting which is much different than trying to mold baby to YOUR schedule and lifestyle….it’s a commitment!!

• Explore different types of healthcare providers and birthing options.

This one was hard for me. While I commend moms who do home births, use midwives and doulas, and go natural, I knew that wasn’t for me. I went to a doula for a massage once per referral of a friend and while I liked her, and thought it would be amazing to have a doula present at my birth, the money was just too much to even consider. As for home births, I don’t think I could EVER do one. I am naturally a “what if” person and the thought of something going wrong and not being at a hospital really freaks me out. As for a natural birth, I considered this after reading great things about it, but decided I couldn’t do it. I had never experienced any sort of intense pain in my life: never had a broken bone, any surgery, not even a cavity filled! I knew that the pain of childbirth would be too much for me and that I would end up being angry and frustrated with the pain. I didn’t want child birth to be that way for me. I wanted to enjoy it (so to speak) and be alert enough to participate but medicated enough to not feel all the pain. I chose an epidural, and knew I would get one as soon as they allowed me to. I won’t go into detail about my experience, but essentially my epidural only partially worked anyway, so I didn’t really get my complete wish J It is important, though, to research and decide what type of birth you are wanting and come up with a birth plan to help guide you on that special day! I do think that if you decide to go natural or some alternative type of delivery, it is important to be flexible and remember that you are not a failure if it doesn’t go exactly as you hoped. I’ve heard of this happening and I can’t imagine feeling that guilt about your baby’s birth. It should be a happy occasion….not one filled with regret!

P.S. I also wanted to add that I think I had a double whammy so to speak because I went into full labor around 6:30pm at night (with slight labor the previous 12 hours). I feel for all moms in this situation because essentially what happens is you are usually in labor for about 8-12 hours. Therefore, you miss one night of sleep due to being in labor. This was another reason I wanted an epidural. I wanted to be able to rest and possibly sleep so that I could have more energy for the actual pushing. I got my epidural at 4 cm and was pain free until 8 cm. So from about 9pm-2am or so I was feeling great. My family had drove down from Iowa and I was able to talk with them and enjoy the experience. Then around midnight or so, Eric & I decided we had better try to get some sleep....or at least some rest. Unfortunately I never actually fell asleep because around the 2am time frame I began to feel intense pain on my right side of my body. This was the epidural not working on my right side and no matter how many ways the nurses positioned me (you have to rotate your body with an epidural to make sure the medicine is equally distributed), I still felt the contractions on that one side. That night the birthing unit was particularly busy (8 boys born that night!!) and the anesthesiologist was busy with emergency C sections so I was low on the totem pole and didn't get any relief until I was almost a 10 and ready start pushing. If I could have got a couple of hours of sleep at least I think that would have helped me. In addition, after Eli was born (I thought my body was literally being torn apart as I could feel the doctor prying me open!!), I was SOOOOO exhausted and I remember just feeling so glad it was over but still in pain. They put him on my chest and I said "We made it!" in a very weak voice with my eyes barely open (this is on video). Then they took Eli to check him over and they began to sew me up (I tore in 2 places). This was equally as painful and I just so wanted it to be over and try to enjoy my son. I feel that if the epidural would have worked like it should, I would have not felt so much pain and could have enjoyed the moment a little more. This is how I now actual natural child birth would not have worked for me. I cannot tolerate pain....period. I really feel that losing the night of sleep was hard on me. I already was tired and giving birth at 8:05am and having to face the day without any sleep was a lot for me to handle. If I had it my way I would have start hard labor at around 8am and gave birth around 8pm! I may have had not so great sleep before then but at least I would have had some and could then have maybe been able to get some more sleep that evening. Can't plan these things, though (I guess you can, but that would mean an induction which I only would have done if necessary)!!

I just think that some people can do natural, others truly cannot. I have a friend who did natural with her first-hated it-and then did epidurals with her last 2 and wished she had known how better an epidural made it for her. I have another friend who had an epidural and says she had very little pain and enjoyed the experience of child birth (I was slightly jealous of this!). I do think, though, that if my body just doesn't take epidurals like it should, probably due to my scoliosis, I should probably plan to use better techniques for natural child birth. We did take a child birth class so I used my breathing, but it didn't seem to help much.

• Recommit to a strong, healthy relationship between expectant parents

Without saying, this one is essential. Bringing a child into your relationship will not fix your relationship! In addition, because attachment parenting is a lifestyle change and commitment to a baby-led approach, it is essential to have the support and “buy-in” from your spouse. I don’t know how I could have done the style of parenting I am now and made it this far without the support of my husband. Eric is so wonderful about listening to my research and dedicating himself to attachment parenting. I feel Eli is very attached and bonded with Eric and loves his daddy. Eric puts Eli first and has no issues with dedicating his time to playing with and caring for Eli.

• Educate yourself about breastfeeding

YES! It is very important to educate yourself about breastfeeding. Even if you are not sure, telling yourself that you will learn all you can: read books, take a class, attend La Leche League, BEFORE you give birth will help you to feel prepared to make an educated decision. Breastfeeding does not always come naturally. My experience with breastfeeding was a tough one for a few months and I almost quit many times, but with support I made the decision to keep going and do what was best for Eli. Now I can’t imagine our mother child relationship WITHOUT breastfeeding as it is such an integral part! Lactaion support groups at the hospital, LLL, websites, forums, and family support are what got me through and I am so thankful! I could go on and on about the importance and benefits for both mother and child of breastfeeding but I won’t as there are many resources. My resources that I refer to often are:

www.kellymom.com

www.llli.org

LLL groups

Lactation groups

www.askdrsears.com

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding by LLL

• Be alert and physically active during childbirth

I pretty well summed this up earlier but I will say it is truly a personal decision. I don’t feel that because I chose an epidural that I am any less attached to Eli. I was alert and even though I couldn’t physically move around due to the epidural, I don’t know if I would have anyway!

• Research all aspects of "routine" newborn care, such as bathing, circumcision, eye drops, blood samples, collecting cord blood, etc. Document your preferences and share them with health care providers.

I definitely researched all of this and I think the only thing I would have changed is maybe donating cord blood to a cord blood bank. I knew we couldn’t afford to bank privately, but I read about donating to a public cord bank but just never followed through on it. I also really contemplated circumcision. We decided to go ahead and circumcise for a couple of reasons but it was good to research and feel that our decision was based on an educated choice.

• Prepare to have extra help in the first few weeks after birth

We had prepared for my mom to stay with us for a couple of weeks after delivery. In addition, Eric had the first week off. My in-laws live in town so I knew they were available to help at any time and they did on several occasions. Having this kind of help is essential! Knowing family could attend to Eli while I tried to nap (my anxiousness often didn’t allow me to) or at least showered was wonderful. My mom also helped with meal prep and cleaning which helped relieve my stress and allowed me to feel more relaxed about the time I was dedicating to Eli.

Dr. Sears' first principle in Attachment Parenting is Birth Bonding. Here he talks about how the first few weeks after birth are the most essential to attachment. He says "A close attachment after birth and beyond allows the natural, biological attachment-promoting behaviors of the infant and the intuitive, biological, caregiving qualities of the mother to come together. Both members of this biological pair get off to the right start at a time when the infant is most needy and the mother is most ready to nurture" Having help around to give you this absolutely imperative time with baby is essential.

• Consider a birth and/or postpartum doula

As I said before, if I felt we could afford a doula, I would have definitely hired one. The benefit of a doula is having an experienced professional who is there for you and only you. They work with you during the pregnancy to educate you and learn about what YOU want for your birth and then make sure your wishes are heard.

P.S. According to the doula I saw her fees were around $500. This was too much for us. She also said that since I was planning to use an epidural, that her services may not be as useful as it would if I were going natural or using some other alternative birthing option. For a mom who is just planning to have pain meds and follow doctor's orders, so to speak, a doula may not be much help as their role is really to make sure your voice is heard and birth plan is followed. Maybe this isn't true, but that is what made us not hire one.

• Be prepared with questions to ask should unexpected birth or newborn situations arise
• What are the benefits of this intervention, and what are your instincts telling you?
• What are the risks and possible outcomes if I choose to do this or if I choose not to?
• What are the other options?
• How long do I have to make the decision?

While I didn’t have to worry about any adverse situations (thankfully!), I feel that I would have trusted the doctor to make the best decision. Yes, I would have listened to my instincts and if there was time, or a decision to be made, I would have researched my options like crazy. But if an unexpected situation arose and the doctor gave their medical advice, I probably would have followed it. I did do some research prior to delivery about some things that could occur and watched MANY baby stories on TLC (hehe) to at least be aware of many of the complications that could occur. Maybe I have too much faith in the medical profession but I also felt I was in good hands with my OBGYN group.