It's been a LONG time since I have done a parenting post (summer fun, ya know!) but when I read an article in "
API Speaks" about night waking, I felt that this would be a great time to do one! I decided to skip one principle and come back to it later so that I could do the sleep post, so this post is about
ensuring safe sleep both physically AND emotionally.
All parents would agree that it is important to make sure our children are physically safe. We do many things to ensure their safety such as put up baby gates, outlet covers, cook on the back burners, rearrange rooms, etc. Some parents also make sure that night time is equally as safe and learn about SIDS recommendations and not use crib bumpers, not use blankets, have baby sleep on their back, make sure baby is sleeping in temperature appropriate clothing, etc. Then there are some parents who go a step further and make sure their child also is EMOTIONALLY safe at night. This is where a lot of debate can happen about sleep training and cry-it-out methods. All parents do what they feel is best for their child, so in no way am I condemning what others have chosen to do, but with my commitment to attachment parenting, I do not believe in using sleep training or cry-it-out methods.
Some babies seem to be laid back, chilled out babies who can sleep anywhere and anytime. Others, such as my Eli, are more sensitive and need "help" from their parents (mommy in particular) to acquire sleep. By help I mean ensuring there is the optimum sleep environment (temperature, light, bedding, white noise, etc.), allowing to participate in sleep inducing activities (such as a nightly routine that includes nursing), and allowing sleep to occur when baby is showing sleep cues and not on the parents' schedule.
Of course, what this most often leads to is a baby and eventually a toddler who must nurse and/or participate in certain activities to sleep and they become very accustomed to sleeping when their body tells them they are sleepy. While this is great for baby, it can be hard on mommy. This often means being flexible with nap times, being around to nurse to sleep, and staying home at night time to allow for the routine of bedtime and nursing to sleep and upon night wakings. Oh yes, the night wakings. Many babies/toddlers who nurse to sleep often continue to wake through the night several times until they wean (not always, though) and many co-sleep to allow nursing to sleep. The above would describe Eli's sleeping to a tee!
As a mommy who practices many attachment parenting principles, I believe in attending to Eli at night. I am lucky, though, in that I have become very accustomed to co-sleeping and while I wake to nurse Eli several times a night, I am able to go back to sleep within 5-10 minutes. I also am VERY lucky that my hubby works 12-9pm so I am allowed to sleep in an extra 1-2 hours in the morning while Eli has his "daddy time". This has allowed me to not be a zombie and to feel good about meeting his night time needs. I know not all mommies are so lucky and many become desperate and take desperate measures to find sleep. I am on a sleep forum where many moms in this situation come to find support and to find advice on how to deal with their exhaustion. I try to counsel and give hope and advice about how they will not regret the decision to tend to their child's needs both day & night and that some day, they will look back and miss the time they had nursing and rocking their children to sleep.
API talks about the above topics along with discussing why they believe about solitary sleep: "It's important to note that infant solitary sleep is a relatively new practice that has evolved in the western world only within the last 100 years. Recently, there have been efforts by various medical and professional organizations to discourage parents from sleeping with their children for fear that it contributes to an increase in Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). However, new research demonstrates that co-sleeping, when practiced by informed parents, can be safe and beneficial. In fact, many cultures where parents routinely sleep with their children report some of the lowest SIDS rates. In some of these cultures SIDS is non-existent."
They also discuss the importance of night time routines to help children prepare for sleep. They suggest experimenting with a routine that works best for your family but to remain flexible as the routine will change as your child grows. I can say that this is very true for Eli and we have had to fluctuate our exact routine many times to help successfully reach sleep. They also suggest that even if a child is sleeping in their own bed, that before sleep snuggle and together time is very important.
I wanted to post the article I read that was written by a mom of a 20 month old son. I felt myself saying "uh-huh, yes, I agree" throughout the article (except the part where her son slept through the night at 1 year for a few months and then relapsed. Eli has slept 1 10 hour night ONCE). Enjoy!
by Danielle on August 13, 2009
My son doesn’t sleep well. He never has. He doesn’t sleep through the night, as per the textbooks, or sleep experts. He needs to nurse to fall asleep; he will co-sleep when he feels like it, but other night’s requests to be in his own bed, in his own space. He needs to have my shirt in his bed, snuggling up to it if he does sleep in his own bed. Some nights, he needs my husband or I to rub is back or stroke his hair before he finally gives into sleep. And, yes, he wakes up countless times during the night.
This is my life. This is my night time parenting life sans sleep training, sans the societal pressure to have him on a schedule, or allow him to cry it out.
I learned quickly as an attachment parent, that many think that my ideas about his ability to sleep on his own, with my guidance, on his own terms were not nearly as accepted as some of the books that you can find for sale at your local bookstore. I have had to be polite to friends and family as they roll their eyes, mock our belief that cry it out should never be a solution, no matter how sleep deprived you are. I’ve had to refuse advice from strangers, or well meaning relatives, who tell me what they heard a sleep expert for babies say on the latest talk show or even better, what worked for them, and their children turned out “fine”. I mean, at the end of the day, tired, or not, I know my child, and I know what I believe in.
This isn’t to say that there haven’t been those moments where I have cried desperately to my husband after spending four hours trying to get my son to bed, that there had to be SOMETHING we could do. It’s trying in so many human ways to be that patient, and know that tomorrow night, it may be the same. When my son was 10 months old, I bought The No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley. I wish I could say it helped, and that my son miraculously went from multiple wakeup’s to none. It didn’t happen and mainly because I couldn’t bring myself to believe that this was the only thing that would now work. I knew that even if it did work, another regression of some sort would come along, and I’d be back at the same place.
What it did give me was some information, and a ton of reassurance. I learned about sleeping patterns, and habits. I learned that even when I thought my reserves were drained dry, there was still some oomph left in them, and I could keep walking this tired path of exhaustion.
Then something happened. One my son’s first birthday, he gave ME the best Birth Day present ever. He slept through the night. I awoke at 5am, realizing that my son wasn’t in our bed (he’d come into the bed after his first wakeup at night) my breasts full, used to the constant feeding. I raced out of bed, into his bedroom, and he was out cold, pretty much in the same position I’d left 8 hours prior. He had slept through the night!
We had some good months of sleep, then another regression hit, and like I mentioned before, we were back to the same place we were so many months ago. Sleep issues are cyclical, and just as we think we’re in the free and clear, nature deters us, and we have yet another parenting hurtle to jump over.
A while ago, I posted on a parenting forum I frequent, and in my desperation, begged for some solve all cures (this desperation generally hits after Night Number 8 of No Sleep, and I start to feel a little crazy…) 40 posts later, all of them telling me I was silly for objecting to sleep training, and crying it out, some even kicking me when I’m down, telling me if I don’t cry it out, then it’s my own fault. But then, someone posted to tell me that I wasn’t alone. Her daughter was 24 months, and she had yet to sleep more than 3 nights, fully. She had also never let her cry it out, and her daughter was still nursing to sleep. Her words were simply not to tell me what to do, but rather to tell me, “Hold on, you are doing marvellously, and your child is blessed to have you. Keep it up Mama. You are doing just fine and I get it.”
In those moments, late at night, when all I can think about is what I have to do the next day, as my son, refuses to sleep, I remember those words. I remember how my son has never been left alone at night, to just cry, while I have a full nights rest. I look down at those same big brown eyes that gazed up me so many nights ago, and sigh contentedly, sleep heavy on my eyes, and try to doze off while he finishes nursing.
Coffee is my friend. Being able to cancel plans at a moment’s notice is my saving grace at times, (I’m lucky to have understanding and empathetic friends), having a husband who ushers me off for a nap when I look like a zombie. I still nap with Matteo when I need that extra boost of energy. These are the things that get me through. I have no regrets about my night time parenting. I know this is exhausting for me, but I know it’s the best for him, and I know there will come a day when I look back on these nights with sadness and wish that my son would cry for me in the night.
So here’s to all the Mama’s and Father’s who practice night time parenting, and have gotten it down to an art. Here’s to all the Mama’s and Fathers, who gently rock their children to sleep for the second, fourth, or tenth time that night. Here’s to all of us, and let’s remember, we are going to miss this.
It’s all about perspective, right?" API Speaks
